Whether you’re brand new to kink & BDSM or a lifelong kinkster, the path to play starts with the beginner’s mind. Risk aware consensual kink begins with a spirit of discovery and inquiry.
We might discover a certain technique.
We may be attracted by a style of dynamic or relationship.
We might get curious about how different parts of the BDSM community interact.
I had the distinct pleasure of attending a BDSM retreat as a student last weekend. I met dozens of new people, had meaty conversations, watched some of my own life-long education idols teach topnotch classes, and slowly sunk into my own beginner’s mind. I observed, and interacted.
I continue to believe there are three major reactions we can learn from in kink, but sometimes we learn the wrong lessons from them.
The first one is easy: a nearly immediate “heck yeah!” That turns me on! That gets me excited! I want a relationship like that! I want to play like that! I love the way this gathering or party does this! (As the legendary Midori invoked Wayne’s World this weekend: “Shwing!”)
The second is more subtle: “Why the heck do people do that?” This thing doesn’t turn me on. It bores me, puzzles me, maybe irritates me. Someone else has a deep enthusiasm for this thing and I just don’t get it. (Let’s put a pin in this one – it’s important.)
The third is subtle as a brick: “Nope!” That thing scares me. It really bugs me. It challenges me. It challenges my values. I don’t want to watch. I don’t even want to think of it too hard. Nope, nope, nope! We call some of those reactions a “squick” — a visceral reaction to what we’re thinking about or witnessing. Squicks are highly personal, and one person’s deepest one might be someone else’s favorite thing.
We can’t really choose these reactions. They seem to arise from nowhere, fully formed. But we can choose what we do with the information they bring.
That heck yeah? These seem like the easy ones. Learn about that thing! Do that thing!
The other two often trip people up.
I’ve seen people devote years of their lives trying to grapple with the “why do folks do that?” category — as if ‘real kinksters’ do the thing, and they’re not real enough without it. It’s my observation though that people don’t suddenly get turned on by something with more information. If you’re not into it, you’re not into it. You might want to learn more to hold space for your friends/ lovers/ partners who are into that thing, but you’re unlikely to have a sudden epiphany and become a rope afficionado (for example) if you are bored to tears by rope.
If I had one recommendation, I’d say don’t waste too much time and money trying to learn about the things that bore you; more information may be enlightening about why other people like that thing, but it isn’t likely to make you like that thing.
That last category, though? It holds a charge for us, and therefore a ton of information. Most of the time, those “Nope!” reactions hold fast, and that’s okay. But for myself — and for many other kinksters who’ve been doing this a while — our favorite kinks started off as squicks. I will never forget the first time I saw someone get pummeled with a meat tenderizer — I couldn’t watch, and almost couldn’t listen. It stuck with me for years. Anyone who’s been to SpankLab knows the punchline, of course: now, being hit with my partner’s brass knuckle meat tenderizer is one of my favorite things. (Who knew?!)
So, the second recommendation. If you feel up for it, grapple with why the things that hold a strong charge for you do. Get comfortable noticing what brings up strong feelings, positive and negative. And spend a little time learning more about both ends of the spectrum. At worse, you’ll develop some compassion for other kinksters who do things that freak you out. At best . . . well, that might be your favorite thing one day.
Myself? I’ve been playing for over thirty years now, in the public scene for nearly twenty, and I’ve been talking and writing about kink professionally for about ten years now.
Why do I keep trying to learn more? It never gets boring. Why does it never get boring? I challenge myself to keep growing and changing, and moving out of my comfort zone.
Spoiler alert: beginner’s mind isn’t something we grow out of. It’s something we grow in to.
May your kink horizons continue to expand!